It’s been almost a month since I last posted and I have to restrain myself from starting out with “hey, internet, it’s been a little quiet, but I’ve been so busy. Fall is a busy time each year”…yadda yadda yadda. I have to fight saying it because it makes me feel important. It justifies the ways I’ve been spending my time – makes it feel like I’ve been pursuing something noble.
When I examine how I use my time, I tend to be harsh with myself for not getting this done or that to do crossed off, but as I learned from Jennifer Fulwiler earlier this year, I have to be brave in my to dos and know that I’m getting done what God expects of me, so long as I’m not neglecting those I love.
It’s far easier for me to neglect people, neglect those I’ve been asked to serve, for the sake of crossing off my to do list than it is for me to continually set my own priorities aside. So, I’ve tried to practice this year by cutting back on my obligations outside my home. Choose a few focused activities where I feel called most to serve. It certainly has helped me be more present in my home, but somehow I’ve managed to fill that time too. I’ve been reflecting on how it was that I previously had obligations after work 3-4 nights a week and I can’t fathom that now! I’m so grateful a dear friend encouraged me to scale back and pushed me to figure out my priorities.
And although the lesson from Jennifer has been circling in my brain all year and I continue to utter it aloud to myself every so often, I’m still caught. I’m still caught in the wheel that says I should do more, be more, help more. Some nights it’s all I can do to pull myself away from work and towards bed.
There’s always one more email. One more request. One more person I should try to connect with – whether it’s a friend who I need to reconnect with or inviting someone to join my next challenge group. There’s always one more. One is enough for the lies of Satan to creep in, saying I’m not enough.
I want to choose trust instead. Maybe Mary can teach me that. I want to trust that the things I’m getting done and the places I am each week are exactly where I’m asked to serve – if only I live in that, rather than living caught up in the next thing I’m supposed to get done.